Waiting Can Make You Question Your Value
A year ago, I sold one of the most beautiful homes I had seen in a long time to a client of mine from another state. So impressed by the young home’s beauty, with its myriad of expensive yet tasteful upgrades, I wondered to myself during the virtual showing why this home had been sitting on the market for as long as it had. Aesthetically appealing inside and out, there was nothing physically w.r.o.n.g with this house that my naked eye could see. Deciding to put in a full-priced offer that would be accepted, it was now time to undergo an inspection. Aha! I thought, now we will uncover the truth of what defects lie beneath this beautiful (and I do mean beautiful) surface. There must be something wrong internally that explains why this seemingly perfect home has sat on the market for almost a year with no serious interest from qualified buyers, aside from looky-loos who, according to the listing agent, only wanted a free peek inside the home for their personal enjoyment. My client would fly in to see the home in person for the first time on the day of the inspection. Knowing that he was still in his option period and had the right to back out, I was a little nervous about picking him up from the airport. Fully aware that he was not a fan of Texas but was considering purchasing a home here to fulfill a promise he had made to his parents, who had passed a year earlier, I had specific instructions about what he wanted. A realtor of faith, I begin to pray quietly to myself during the drive that “if this house was for him,” that God would “show him a sign that only he would recognize, and that sign give him the peace he needs to move forward.” After we arrive and go in, we greet the inspector, who is wrapping up. We would learn from his verbal and written report that the home had no underlying issues that would be cause for concern. It was, by all accounts, a beautifully well-maintained home.
After the inspection, we exited the home only to stand outside long enough for my buyer’s eyes to fix upon something that would stop him in his tracks, the listing agent’s name on the for sale sign. Without breaking his stare as if he were in a trance, he rhetorically questioned the agent’s name as he read it. When I asked if that name meant anything to him, he first nodded slowly, then, with his eyes still affixed to the sign, he said the agent shared the same first and last name as two very important individuals in his life back in California. Individuals who were very good to him. Remembering my earlier prayer, I replied, “That’s no coincidence; this must be a sign that this is your house.” And as he walked up the driveway towards me, he replied, “Yes, it is! Let’s move forward.” As we drove away and I breathed a sigh of relief, the revelation hit me: the house had sat on the market as long as it had, not because anything was wrong with it, but because it was waiting for him. It was about divine timing all along. Another thing that impressed me during this transaction was the sellers’ steadfastness in maintaining their asking price. After almost four seasons on the market, most sellers would have either reduced the asking price or settled for less. Yet this seller would not accept one dollar less than w.h.a.t they wanted, what they expected, and, more importantly, what they knew they deserved. And rightfully so. The w.o.r.k they put into this home added value that spoke for itself. All they needed was for the right buyer to see it and agree, even if that meant waiting for as long as they did.
Relationships are that way. One person might be seeking, while the other is longing to be sought after. Both are looking for peace in the presence of someone they have just met or perhaps a spiritual sign that they’ve finally met the right one. But meeting the right one for both can require seasons of endless waiting that can test your patience and often make you question your own expectations & values. And the longer you wait for that right relationship to materialize without a prospect on the horizon, if you are not careful, those questions can become statements you tell yourself that undermine your value and inevitably cause you to settle for less than you deserve. However, remaining steadfast in your belief that the right person for you will arrive in the appointed season of your life does not come without disappointment. And though disappointment can be discouraging, navigating through and out of that emotional space is necessary so that it does not become a mindset over time. But how do we get there when the seasons of life keep changing, yet your life stays the same? Using the theme of this real estate story, let’s explore 6 ways to hold on to your value in your season of waiting:
1. Define Your Wants & Know Your Why
Years ago, after I had just gone through a divorce, my therapist at the time challenged the way I had chosen to marry someone with whom I was not compatible. Not wanting me to make the same mistake again, she began listing the qualities of a good man for me to consider. She then assigned me the task of creating a detailed list of the characteristics I wanted in my next husband and the reasons why. Her rationale for this assignment was simple: “If you don’t define what you want, you’ll accept anything”. The “want” is your desire, and desires are negotiable if the “w.h.y” is not attached to it. For instance, a couple wanting to purchase a home with a mother-in-law suite, so that their aging parent can retain a sense of independence while living under the same roof as their children and grandchildren, might not be swayed by a home with only a guest bedroom. Their parents’ feelings of independence are the clear motivation or the “why” behind the want. Without this emotional driver, the “want” can be reduced to the bare minimum, with the universal truth that “something is better than nothing” offered as a consolation for the disappointing outcome. If not careful, that same utterance can be used to comfort yourself after you have defined your w.a.n.t.s in a relationship, but instead settle for the bare minimum because the “why” that would have helped you stand firm was never identified. Knowing what you want and why you want it…matters, and as long as they both align within reason, accepting less is simply out of the question.
2. Set Yourself Apart
Right after my buyer in the opening story had gone under contract, I received a call from an agent who had a similar property listed in the same neighborhood, whose sellers wanted to know why my buyer chose this particular house and not their house, seeing that their home was similar in build and specifications, yet cheaper in price. To which I replied, “Have you seen this house? Cause if you’ve seen it, then you would understand.” Though the exterior of this house may have resembled its competitors, the inside was undoubtedly set apart: the cleanliness, the care, the beautiful upgrades, the soft touches, the thoughtful details. For a home fully occupied by parents and their children (boys at that) to be so properly cared for to the degree it was, says something about the people living there: it wasn’t enough to be outwardly appealing; what mattered most was what was on the inside. Weaving this analogy into your season of waiting, set yourself apart by working on the interior of your being. Your exterior absolutely matters, as we will discuss in #5 of this list. But what matters more than that is the inner (shadow) work you do. Our outward selves are what may gain us initial attraction from a potential mate, but once you invite them into your space, it is your inner self that, in most cases, determines if they choose to stay. And there are so many ways to add value to your inner self. My own personal inner work journey began with an awareness that I needed therapy. And taking that crucial first step set me on a path of healing, self-discovery, self-awareness, emotional resilience, and mental clarity that I believe are invaluable upgrades to my core being. Your path to being set apart may look different: it may be the soft touch of quiet meditation, where you affirm yourself with words that breathe life into your hopes and dreams, or the thoughtful details of journaling your feelings, your fears, and your faith. Whichever path you take, if you walk it long enough, the care you put into your inner self will stand out amongst the crowd and be seen and appreciated by the right person.
3. Don’t Settle In Your Discouragement (Stop Reducing Yourself)
If you read #1, you know I was married before. The woman I am today would never have chosen that person to marry, had I chosen from a state of hopeful anticipation and not desperation. Without going into details, making the wrong choice out of desperation robbed me of experiences I had longed for for so many years. When I think about my state of mind during that time in my life, I remember an overwhelming feeling of discouragement. I was actively dating in hopes of meeting someone who would find me worthy of marriage. And after a few failed relationships, and a few more birthdays to remind me that I was not getting any younger, I reduced myself to be accepted by someone whose companionship wasn’t w.o.r.t.h the shrinkage. I ignored the signs. I painted the red flags green. I remained committed despite the lying & cheating. I settled for less (so much less) than I deserved. And then blamed God for my misery and wrong choice.
I remember when I was writing up the offer on the house in this story, my buyer initially wanted to offer a little less, using the time the house had been on the market as leverage. But the seller wouldn’t budge. Remember, they had never reduced their asking price. I can recall the listing agent saying to me, “This house has over $80K worth of upgrades, and it is w.o.r.t.h every penny they are asking. And he was right. It was! I thought so, my buyer thought so, and so did the Appraiser. Of course, you can never blame anyone for trying to get more for less if they’re able to do so. But had the seller settled for less out of discouragement, I believe a part of them would have felt cheated. When you are in your season of waiting, discouragement is inevitable, but choosing to settle for less out of that discouragement is a c.h.o.i.c.e. Reducing yourself: your standards, your morals & values, or the desires of your h.e.a.r.t, for anyone unwilling to acknowledge your worth, even though they may see it, will always leave you feeling cheated. And that feeling will undoubtedly lead to regrets you may have to live with.
4. Stop Entertaining Looky-Lous
In real estate, there is no bigger time-waster than a “looky-loo”. This is a person who will tour a property or visit an open house, but has no genuine interest or financial ability to make a purchase. They are the nosy neighbors, the open house hobbyists, and the daydreamers. These individuals will traipse through your home, open your closets, and peek into your private quarters, unaware that their mere presence is building hope in a weary seller. Much like the real estate world, looky-loos exist in relationships. They are the commitment-phobes, the casual daters, and the emotionally unavailable time-wasters who enter your life under the pretense of wanting a relationship, when what they are really after is a situationship with all the benefits included. They will traipse through the s.p.a.c.e.s of your heart in the same manner: opening the closets of your secret vulnerabilities, peeking into your private thoughts, exploiting your hopes & desires of a loving relationship that leads to your version of happily ever after, all while having zero intention of choosing you.
That being said, a looky-loo is easy to spot; just like in real estate, they are the ones who are unwilling to prove their intention. When a seller wants to avoid looky-loos gallivanting through their property, they may forego a public open house and/or request that their home be listed privately. This ensures that when someone enters their home, their intentions are pure and proven: they are interested in purchasing the home and have the financial means to do so. In comparison, when it comes to waiting for a desired relationship, it is okay to forego modern dating norms that can leave you overexposed with no guarantee of a desired outcome. And it is also okay to refuse to entertain anyone who wants to enter your life and is unwilling not only to state their intentions but also to p.r.o.v.e them.
5. Stand Firm & Stay Ready
“Stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready” is a classic mindset that means staying prepared for opportunities that come your way. There is no bigger disappointment for a listing agent than a showing request that gets declined by a seller because their house is in disarray, and the potential embarrassment of their home’s untidiness warrants the refusal. Only to later learn that the buyer whose showing request was declined, went under contract on a similar house one street over. It happens more than it should! But how does this real estate example translate to relationships? Simple, it’s all about self-care – how you present yourself, which is of utmost importance when seeking a relationship. When you take pride in caring for your physical, mental, and emotional needs, you are establishing your self-worth, which is essential in the dating world. It shows that you are a person with healthy boundaries: you give the measure that you want to receive. You present yourself whole, so you will not accept someone half-ass coming into your space. You present yourself healed; therefore, broke’n men need not apply. Having done your shadow work, you come fully esteemed, so anyone coming to tear you down had better turn around. I should also mention that standing firm in your beliefs is equally important, and anyone seeking to negotiate your standards down because they refuse to level up is not God’s best for you. However, if you slowly begin to neglect yourself while in your season of waiting, even while holding steadfast to your beliefs, do not be surprised if opportunity passes you by. People are naturally drawn to individuals who radiate confidence, stability, & a sense of peace. And, although these are intrinsic qualities, it is rather difficult to exude them when you cease to show up as your best self.
6. Remember, Waiting Is About Timing
The English poet William Langland, who penned the famous proverb “Patience is a virtue”, which means that the ability to w.a.i.t for something or endure delays without becoming frustrated, is an admirable trait, might not have approved of how I handled myself during my season of waiting (which I am still in, by the way). Though I have gotten better, mostly after accepting that kicking, screaming, crying, whining, begging, pleading, praying, fasting, & lighting a candle will not make God move any faster than He intends to, I would be lying if I said that waiting for something you truly d.e.s.i.r.e isn’t excruciatingly painful. I wish I could tell you that I knew the secret to getting God to move faster – but I do not. And if I did, I imagine I would be somewhere on someone’s stage selling it for a huge profit. But beyond faith, there is no secret. Waiting is about timing, and timing can involve intricate details that have to be sorted out, meticulously maneuvered, and manipulated (providentially speaking, of course) to interconnect all the parts of God’s plan for a timed execution. For some of us, this could take longer than we would prefer, or even than we agreed to, had we been consulted on the matter. But when it comes to divine timing, waiting is inevitable, that is, of course, if you want the best outcome.
In the opening story, that beautiful house sat for almost a year until I procured a buyer. But that’s not to say there weren’t any offers during those many months. It is possible that multiple offers were submitted for that property, but none were acceptable. The details that went into my client’s purchase of that home were definitely intricate, and the t.i.m.i.n.g of it all was certainly divine. And I could not have asked for a better outcome. Juxtaposing the two, I would like to believe that a desired relationship is more important than real estate. And if that is so, the same God that can bring the right buyer to the right seller at the right time can, in time, bring the right person into your life…if only you are willing to w.a.i.t. But mind you, waiting still requires clarity. And when clarity is present, the emotional fog of confusion that will try to seep into your life in an attempt to sway you into acceptance of the w.r.o.n.g someone, will not cajole you. But will instead remind you that in your season of waiting, patience is indeed a virtue.
The Power of The Wait
Ultimately, waiting for the right relationship isn’t a passive pause – but a power move with significant risks. It means that you understand that there is either a lot to lose or a lot to gain, so moving from a position of peace is paramount, and anyone attempting to enter your life at the expense of your peace should have a hard time finding the door. Relationships are also not a cure for boredom; they should instead complement your life in a way that connects with your divine purpose. It goes without saying that the most important relationship you will first have is the one with yourself. And having an enjoyable relationship with yourself can determine how well you sit in the waiting room of your season. Though putting the above list into practice won’t automatically cause your season to change in your desired timeframe, it can, however, narrow your focus by moving you away from exhaustive relationship patterns that lead nowhere, and then help you reimagine what a healthy relationship looks like through the corrective lens of your core values. That is, of course, if you have now defined what they are. 💋
