TEXAS HOLD ‘EM: HOLD. FOLD.WALK. RUN. CALCULATING THE ARV OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

When the stakes are high

The lyrics from the “The Gambler”, a song written by Don Schlitz in 1976 and made famous by Kenny Rogers in 1978, metaphorically uses the game of poker to explain the importance of making good l.i.f.e choices. The old gambler’s message to the struggling young man sitting beside him on the train is piercingly clear:

“You got to know when to hold’em

Know when to fold ‘em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run

You never count your money

When you’re sittin’ at the table

There’ll be time enough for countin’

When the dealin’s done”

This rhythmic, poetic phrase for some – Okay ME – has become the blueprint for handling the stressors of L.I.F.E, Business & Relationships.  All cards on the table (pun intended), I’m NOT a poker player – and if winning is a big deal to you, then I’m not the person you would want as your partner in ANY card game other than Go Fish or Spoons (and I still need a refresher course to play those) – but I AM a Gambler! Though I’ve never gambled away my own money in the slot machines of casinos, in my relationships, however, I was a pro at gambling away my h.e.a.r.t, my dignity & my self-w.o.r.t.h. The careless way that I took risks with my heart because I didn’t see my own V.A.L.U.E, is a stark contrast to how I operate in business. As a realtor, before I negotiate a deal on behalf of my clients, I diligently count the costs and c.a.l.c.u.l.a.t.e all risks before advising if a particular investment will meet their p.r.o.f.i.t goals. One of my duties when working with investors is to help them determine the current market value and ARV of a distressed property that holds their interest.  In the current era of fixing, flipping and selling real estate, the first term every serious investor needs to know is the “After Repair Value” or ARV. The ARV estimates the future v.a.l.u.e of an investment property after r.e.p.a.i.r.s to the distressed home have been made. The formula for Calculating the ARV is simple:

Purchase Price + Renovation Value = After Repair Value

However, for an investor to make their intended profit on the sale of a newly renovated home, the investor would need to purchase that property below market v.a.l.u.e. Purchasing the property below market value gives the investor the leverage they need to do the necessary w.o.r.k that would bring the diSTRESSed property to its FULL VALUE and POTENTIAL, with the hopes of yielding a p.r.o.f.i.t.  The GAMBLE every investor takes regardless of how accurate their calculations are is the unforeseen repairs that can arise during the rehab process that now must be addressed and reluctantly added to the renovation expenses. Though this added expense eats into the investor’s profit margin, the overall “After Repair Value” of the property STILL makes the investment w.o.r.t.h.while. In the game of Poker, this would be called a HOLD.  Anyone can become a real estate investor, but in order to succeed at it, there is a discipline that must be followed. Investors who do not follow this discipline and in haste take on renovation projects without fully calculating the risks, will at some point find themselves investing more money into a property than it’s worth… And putting more r.e.s.o.u.r.c.e.s into a property that will never give you a return on YOUR investment is a c.o.s.t.l.y mistake and comes at a financial l.o.s.s, which in poker, is known as a FOLD.  The proverb “All that glitters is not gold” IF applied to the rules of investing, simply means “just because a deal seems good, doesn’t mean it truly is.” Therefore, a wise investor doesn’t mind WALKing AWAY from an undertaking NOT WORTHY of their TIME, their EFFORT or their RESOURCES if they can’t see the V.A.L.U.E in sticking with it.  Coincidentally, investing in a Relationship has the same risks & requires a similar calculation to determine the ARV, so that you are not investing m.o.r.e into your relationship THAN you get out of it.  Like a distressed property that needs some rehab w.o.r.k before its full value is realized, every relationship has an AFTER REPAIR VALUE because EVERY RELATIONSHIP that has VALUE requires WORK.

When your relationship is a gamble

There is a misconception that having a significant other somehow makes you “The Fixer” of their problems. The consequences of their l.i.f.e’s choices now rest on your shoulders, causing a weight that is too heavy for you to carry. The broken shards of their self-image have become your burden to r.e.p.a.i.r. Their p.a.i.n.f.u.l past is now your responsibility to h.e.a.l. The w.o.r.k that tHEy should be doing on themselves to NOT only continue their personal growth but their g.r.o.w.t.h in the relationship has stagnated, leaving an imbalance of effort & Commitment. And though this frustrates you, you are reluctant to WALK AWAY because you have i.n.v.e.s.t.e.d so much of your time, effort & resources (support).  Not to mention, folding or giving up on your relationship would make you single again and that is a reality that saddens you.  For over half of my life I hated my s.i.n.g.l.e status & what it meant (not married; alone; no plus one; by yourself). That adjective was a horrid reminder of my lonesome state. There was so much JUDGMENT in that word. But the worst judgment didn’t come from others, it came from myself. Being single in my mind meant that I was unworthy of being loved. That I was unattractive. That unless I compromised my beliefs & my values, no man would want me. With my warped sense of self-worth, I began to gamble away what d.i.g.n.i.t.y I had left in relationships that would NEVER prove Value-able for the sake of declaring “I Had A Man“. Too desperate to see that however, I was determined to show those losers men that I was an Ace of Diamonds, a Q.u.e.e.n of Hearts, a Winning Hand worth Keeping. But the work that I put into those distressed relationsh*ts had the reverse effect. Instead of showing them that I was a c.o.n.f.i.d.e.n.t woman worthy of their love, I ended up uncovering countless insecurities & the h.a.t.r.e.d that I HAD for MYSELF. Because ONLY A WOMAN that hated herself would continue to Invest In Below Market Value “Below ‘Her’ Value” Relationships that were F**ked Up to begin with & expect that ALL THE SH*T SHE CONTINUED TO PUT UP WITH, WOULD MAGICALLY TURN TO SUGAR, making Her I.n.v.e.s.t.m.e.n.t of putting up with it Sweet & W.o.r.t.h.while. But the ARV would show differently. Not only would I not see the p.r.o.f.i.t I had hoped for, I wouldn’t see a return at all.  Despite the blood. the sweat. the tears that went into rehabbing those relationships, I ended up walking away with LESS than what I came with.  And Shockingly after ALL that I had invested – the TIME I spent wasted trying to get a Noncommittal F**ktard to Commit; the EFFORT I made in lowering my s.t.a.n.d.a.r.d.s so that his SHORTsighted @ss had a shot in hell of reaching my l.e.v.e.l; the RESOURCES I provided in the form of my Support of his mistreatment towards me (because I continued to stay with him), validating my poor self-image – in the end – to My SURPRISE – the relationship STILL had No Value.

When to walk away from the table

In the continuation of the old gambler’s message to the struggling young man on the train, he tells him:

“Every gambler knows

that the secret to survivin’

is knowin’ what to throw away

and knowin’ what to keep.

Cause every hand’s a winner

And every hand’s a loser

And the best that you can hope for

is to die in your sleep.”

It wasn’t that I had a losing hand & was destined to a failed marriage relationship, but as a former compulsive gambler of ALL MY dollars & sense (good sense, c.o.m.m.o.n sense, sense of pride, sense of value), I didn’t know the secret to surviving. Like the investor – who lacks discipline and hastily jumps into rehabbing a home without fully knowing if the After Repair Value is truly worth all the work that’s needed to R.E.S.T.O.R.E that home – I hastily foolishly jumped into relationships with men that I knew weren’t KEEPers. THROWing AWAY p.i.e.c.e.s of my self-worth every time I allowed the disrespect, humiliation, abandonment, mistreatment, the blame-shifting & narcissistic projection of their brokenness on to my core being. And what’s worse, I thought the Love I brought to these relationships was enough to REPAIR IT (i.e. RESTORE IT; Bring It to a HEALTHY State) & prove valuable in the end, but I was Wrong. And how could I Not be? I never took the time to calculate the ARV of those relationships before I entered them. I should’ve considered the:

Purchase Price:

 Taking that person at Face Value.  Believing who they Tell You they are.  Believing who they Show You they are.

Plus

The Renovation Costs:

Rehabbing his Noncommittal attitude to a Committal mindset.

Restoring him to a healthy Emotionally Available State.

Renewing his Love & Respect for me, when he clearly Never had either, to begin with.

Had I taken the time to properly c.a.l.c.u.l.a.t.e these costs upfront, I would’ve had a more accurate ARV of those relationships & realized that turning a T.O.A.D into a Prince requires more than just a KISS. Had I done the calculation; I could’ve spared my heart from the repeated trauma of b.r.e.a.k.i.n.g unnecessarily. Or maybe I could’ve salvaged shreds of my d.i.g.n.i.t.y & saved myself the years of therapy I spent sitting on a couch with a box of tissue crying my eyes out – looking like a raccoon with black mascara running down my face – in front of a stranger who’s trying to HELP ME figure out WHY the F*CK I didn’t love myself ENOUGH to STOP Choosing Men who DIDN’T F*CKING LOVE ME. And WHY, once I realize I’ve chosen this type of low-quality man – AGAIN, do I hesitate WALK-ing AWAY? I’ll deduce – it’s probably for the same reason the hasty investor would rather proceed with a rehab project knowing there’s no v.a.l.u.e at the end, then to Stop, Drop & Roll his @ss far away from the s.h.a.d.y deal – the fear of admitting failure. I was so consumed by what friends & family would say about my failed relationships – how many “I told you so’s” I would hear or how much of their endless opinions & unsolicited advice I’d be subjected to – that it was easier for me to shamefully stay invested in something that had no value than to b.r.a.v.e.l.y walk away from my mistake.

When you invest more than you get back

If I’m h.o.n.e.s.t with myself, there were numerous seasons of my life where I mirrored the n.a.ï.v.e investor, instead of the wise one.  After calculating the ARV, the wise investor can walk away from a deal he knows won’t benefit him in the end, because he’s confident a more deserving deal will come along & therefore is not pressured to s.e.t.t.l.e for the W.R.O.N.G one out of d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. Not only that but…

• 1. he values his time & w.a.s.t.i.n.g it is not an option
  2. he realizes when something is not worth his efforts
  3. he refuses to invest his resources in something with little to no value

And he also understood that in order to win sometimes you had to lose but not at the c.o.s.t of lowering your standards.

It wasn’t until I gravitated towards the mindset of the wise investor that my “Luck” in relationships began to change. Like the struggling young man sitting on the train, I too received the message the Old Gambler was trying to convey…

“You got to know when to Hold ’Em”

No relationship is perfect, but a relationship that shares your same Goals. Values. Beliefs.

Accepts your f.l.a.w.s, quiets your f.e.a.r.s, encourages your d.r.e.a.m.s & makes room for you, might be a hand worth holding.

 “Know when to Fold ‘Em”

You Don’t Always have to play the hand you’re dealt. If you’re dealt a bad hand reshuffle the damn deck. You’re in c.o.n.t.r.o.l of your own happiness & it’s OKAY to Forfeit the Game & START OVER.

“Know when to Walk Away”

I had to Stop Settling out of Fear of spending another holiday ALONE. Or Staying to keep up a false i.m.a.g.e. for family & friends. Facts: The loneliest I’ve ever been was in a marriage relationship with someone that didn’t l.o.v.e Me or deserve Me. AND the happiest I’ve ever been was when I Walked the F*ck Away.

“Know when to RUN”

I’ve learned that it’s OK to be a Quitter!

And Quitting a relationsh*t with ANYONE that waste your time, upsets your spirit or drains your energy is ALWAYS a wise decision.

And  Bonus!  I finally figured out the Secret to Surviving that every Gambler & Investor knows…

This means that the ARV of a good deal relationship doesn’t always mean that you’ll End Up with More out of it then you’ve Invested into it, BUT after YOU’VE INVESTED so much into that relationship, you should NEVER EVER End Up with LESS! The Secret to Surviving The Gamble of Love is to simply BREAK EVEN! ?

Click here to watch The Gambler & RIP Kenny Rogers! ????♥️♦️?