STUCK IN DISTRESS: WHEN YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN HAPPINESS IN YOUR HOME (QUARANTINE ed.)

When You’re Unhappily Content

“Because I have nowhere else to go.” This was the response from a young mother, cradling her newborn baby when asked why she insisted on staying in a home that in her own words had so many p.r.o.b.l.e.m.s & was falling apart. A tenant, in a client’s home that I was trying to sell, she rudely inserted herself into a conversation I was having with an investor with her unsolicited “glowing report” of all the things that were wrong with the home to deter his i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t. Her h.o.p.e was that if it didn’t sell, she and her family would be allowed to stay, despite not having paid rent in months. But her response to having “nowhere to go” gave me pause. Her words penetrated my h.e.a.r.t. And though the “encourager” in me wanted to embrace her with a hug and assure her that everything would be okay, I knew my purpose for being there was to perform a service for my client. And coddling his tenant in her time of distress would detract my attention from those duties, so I said nothing. I sold the house to the investor & she, her boyfriend & their two small children were given 30 days to v.a.c.a.t.e. Under normal circumstances, as a realtor, I would’ve offered to assist them in finding another place to live. However, since their landlord was my client, I knew the intimate details surrounding their inability to pay their rent…

It wasn’t health-related – they were both y.o.u.n.g & able-bodied individuals.

It wasn’t economy-related – she had been gainfully employed before choosing to quit her job, with no other means of income.

And he, simply, had little desire to w.o.r.k.

So, I concluded that helping them would be futile because tHEiR misfortune was caused by c.h.o.i.c.e.s not circumstances.  Yet, I never stopped wondering why, despite her dejected demeanor, she would s.e.t.t.l.e for such a distressed state. A state that left her vulnerable & on the losing end of her battle. But she’s not alone. The l.i.g.h.t rays of the word distress bounce off Relationships and Real Estate alike. And if I could hold a mirror to her situation, I would see the reflection of the homeowner who is also on the verge of losing. In real estate, some may associate the word distress, to an aged home in desperate need of w.o.r.k. and repair, to the degree of being uninhabitable. Conversely, a distressed property is NOT defined by its dilapidated appearance because the homeowner is financially unable to r.e.s.t.o.r.e the home, but because they are unable to keep up their payments on the home, causing it to go under foreclosure. It’s considered distressed because the home – taken from the homeowner – is now offered up for sale at a l.o.s.s.

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines distress as a:
p.a.i.n.f.u.l situation or misfortune.

It’s the act of being subjected to great strain or difficulties.

To be…

Anguished, Troubled, Worried, or Upset.

To be…

Offered for sale at a L.O.S.S.

So…

For the w.o.r.r.i.e.d homeowner on the verge of being homeless – it’s the absence of s.a.f.e.n.e.s.s.

And

For the individual – submerging in the a.n.g.u.i.s.h of their perceived failure – it’s the absence of secureness.

But the word, itself, is fluid. Its existence is volatile. Aroused & lulled easily by the emotional movements of its environment. Therefore, being in d.i.s.t.r.e.s.s, momentarily, is understandable. But what happens when you feel you’re stuck there?

When You’re Feeling Stuck

That feeling of being s.t.u.c.k in a difficult situation with no control of the outcome is one that taunts the year 2020. A decade that started with so much promise and perfect vision (pun intended), will now be etched into the history books as the start of a decade where the world on one accord was in distress. Plagued by a global pandemic known as the coronavirus, that would cause businesses across the world to close their doors for weeks – some for good – forcing an economic shutdown, where millions of Americans would lose their jobs & hundreds of thousands of people worldwide would lose their lives. And with Government mandates to stay home in order to stop the spread of Covid19, individuals and their families were forced to Quarantine in their homes for weeks, with limited exceptions for leaving. For some families, this forced confinement brought them closer and made their relationships stronger. But it’s no surprise that many other relationships have been tested in ways they were not prepared for – calling into question the very foundation the relationship was built on. Not to mention, the stress of being stuck at home during this global shutdown has caused a surge in domestic violence cases, as tempers are short & patience is thin. And while some happy couples are planning their virtual weddings, others are contemplating going their separate ways.  Couples who were once “crazy in love” & in a busy world, looked forward to a date night & much needed alone time, are now annoyed by the constant 24/7 ungroomed, pudgy sight of each other. Habits of your significant other that use to be cute, now disgust you. The playful banter that once amused you, are now patronizing quips you no longer appreciate. And his s.e.x.y love handles you once defended as just “Baby Fat”, in your b.o.r.e.d eyes, is now “Just Fat” baby! And you’re a glass of wine away from telling him that.  With the downturn of the economy & the restricted capacity of social outlets that allowed for h.e.a.l.t.h.y coping mechanisms and usually provided an escape from the confinement that has left you restless, brutally honest & irritable, many of us – during these trying times – are struggling to maintain our homes & our relationships. Many of us are struggling to s.a.l.v.a.g.e the remnants of our happiness & the s.h.a.r.d.s of our sanity. Many of us…are S.t.u.c.k in D.i.s.t.r.e.s.s.

When You’re Trapped by A False Sense of Security

There were so many questions I wanted to ask the young tenant after her response. My analytical mind refusing to accept that she & her children would be homeless if they were forced to leave. And then it ALL made sense. After overhearing a conversation between her & and her boyfriend, the ring of t.r.u.t.h was loud and clear. She had a place that she could go, but he wasn’t allowed to “come with” her. The reason, though not explicitly stated, was easily deduced based on the perceived c.h.a.r.a.c.t.e.r of the young man & his refusal to w.o.r.k. I imagine that the doors that would welcome her in so that she could move f.o.r.w.a.r.d, would only open if she had the c.o.u.r.a.g.e to leave him b.e.h.i.n.d. A decision she clearly was struggling to make. And understandably so. He was the man she l.o.v.e.d. The father of her children. But he was holding h.e.r back.  Yet for some reason, she felt that a life descending with h.i.m was better than a life soaring without him. But who AM I to speak? And why was it so easy for me to stand outside the window of her w.o.r.l.d & peer through it with my big @ss  judging eyes, having the audacity to shake my head at her s.t.i.c.k.y situation, when I was STUCK in my own? And if she were interested in my opinion, why should I expect my words of w.i.s.d.o.m to fall on her listening ears, when I c.h.o.s.e to be deaf to it?  I was just like h.e.r!  Finding every e.x.c.u.s.e to s.t.a.y within the four walls of a p.r.o.b.l.e.m infested relationsh*t that was falling a.p.a.r.t because I also believed “I had nowhere else to go.” I was s.t.u.c.k in a false s.e.n.s.e of security that made me feel like the absolute of h.i.m was better than the possibility of someone else, when the mere thought of someone else would’ve been more promising.

If you ask a woman to list her NUMBER ONE need in a relationship, instinctively, most will reply SECURITY – which translates to a feeling of safeness.

When a woman feels s.e.c.u.r.e, she can let her natural guards down because she trusts that the man that’s o.c.c.u.p.y.i.n.g her h.e.a.r.t.space will do her no harm.

She allows herself to be vulnerable, exposing her past wounds & her insecurities.

She knows that he operates in her best interest.

Her anxieties are hushed & her f.e.a.r.s are quieted.

She feels p.r.o.t.e.c.t.e.d under the roof of his wisdom.

The walls of his LOVE surround h.e.r & there are no traces of d.e.c.e.i.t hidden in its corners. And in his arms, she feels safe from the perils of the world.

But she’s not the only one entitled to such a feeling. What HE needs, m.a.t.t.e.r.s as well. And when the primary needs of both individuals are left unmet, over time, the relationship can become strained & weighty with the burdens of longing for something m.o.r.e.

When You’re About to Lose

In my opinion, calling a home that’s in foreclosure “distressed” is a misnomer. A house is an inanimate structure, completely void of feeling & therefore incapable of absorbing the meaning that lies within the word. SO, WHAT, the home is offered up for sale at a financial l.o.s.s to the lienholder who can still recoup their losses in other ways.  It’s the homeowner, that man – that woman – that couple – whom after investing all they have into something seemingly s.e.c.u.r.e, now find themselves losing all they had, with little remaining to salvage. And if you’ve ever lost something or someone you love; you know that the worst losses are sudden. they’re unexpected. and its i.m.p.a.c.t can leave you paralyzed & breathless. But some losses come with warnings first. In Texas, an initial foreclosure proceeding can’t begin unless the homeowner has f.a.i.l.e.d to pay or been in d.e.f.a.u.l.t on their mortgage a total of 90 days. However, once the slow-moving wheels are in motion, there is still a window of opportunity to stop the foreclosure proceedings and avoid the LOSS altogether, by paying the outstanding debt & penalties. Though not always an option for the s.t.r.u.g.g.l.i.n.g homeowner, the opportunity to f.i.x it, nonetheless, was there for the taking. But once the proceeding is complete, the overwhelming feeling of f.a.i.l.u.r.e & the f.e.a.r of what lies ahead can be paralyzing; leaving them stuck in the embers of their past, when a new beginning a.w.a.i.t.s them.

Having sat in the E.M.P.T.Y tub of my own failures, I would be remiss if I didn’t admit to times when the window of opportunity for me to heed to warnings that l.o.s.s would be my own inevitable outcome by default if I continued trotting down a path of self-n.e.g.l.e.c.t. A path that would lead me to an emotional d.e.m.i.s.e, because I was STUCK holding on to someone something that I needed to let go of, but refusing to do so, because I was afraid that n.o.t.h.i.n.g better awaited me.

Like the young tenant & the distressed homeowner, I had a c.h.o.i.c.e! I could either sit in the smoldering remains of my p.a.s.t; try to fix that which was b.r.o.k.e.n beyond repair & carry the w.e.i.g.h.t of those broken pieces on my journey to nowhere; or I could b.r.a.v.e.l.y RISE from the ashes of my disappointments & Start the F*ck Over!

When You Have the Power to Choose

The year 2020 has left a lot of us with c.h.o.i.c.e.s to make…

• Those of us that have l.o.s.t loved ones to this deadly virus or some other t.r.a.g.e.d.y, must now choose whether we continue to play out the roles in the scenes of our own life’s story. Or do we cease production altogether, because we lost a valuable cast member?
• Those of us that have had our s.e.n.s.e of security stripped away from the loss of a home or a job, must now choose to find SECURITY in that which could never be taken away.
• Those of us that have LOVED someone to the degree of losing myself ourselves in them, with not.a.thang to show for it, but WASTED TIME, must now decide if the Loss of him them is greater than the GAIN of Y.O.U.

And

• Those that are married, who are struggling to reignite the flames of desire that use to burn deeply for one another, must now choose to either r.e.p.a.i.r the jagged p.i.e.c.e.s of your once devoted l.o.v.e, or remain “unhappily content” in its s.h.a.r.d.s.

As 2020 nears its end. And as it begins its descent, leaving behind the glowing fragments of lives & h.e.a.r.t.s scorched & burned from its tortuous blaze. And as we’re left standing in the b.r.o.k.e.n rubble of our distress, d.e.s.p.a.i.r & dissapointments, with bleak h.o.p.e for the future & only p.a.i.n.f.u.l memories of the p.a.s.t…

May we use our 2020 vision to see that a better tomorrow a.w.a.i.t.s us.

May we find the c.o.u.r.a.g.e to pick up the p.i.e.c.e.s of our shattered lives.

May we have the n.e.r.v.e to salvage what’s left of our sanity.

May we be b.r.a.v.e enough to LET him GO.

And

May we find the s.t.r.e.n.g.t.h to RISE from the ashes of our misfortunes &

Start The F*CK OVER! ?

Dedicated to ALL those that have lost loved ones to this virus. ? Dedicated to the BLM Movement. ✊?Dedicated to Breonna Taylor, Rest in Power Queen?? ?