DECLUTTERING YOUR SPACE: LETTING GO OF YOUR PAST SO YOU CAN MOVE ON

When You Waste Time Holding On 

“The right man will never come into your life until you let him go!”

I remember the exact moment this was said to me.

Headed back to Houston, after just having performed at a youth retreat near San Antonio, when I was still actively recording music and performing as a “Christian Rap Artist” – my mentor, and founder of the music label that I was a part of, in a laid-back tone, would make this statement with nary a glance in my direction, as he kept his eyes on the road ahead.

Knowing to whom he was referring, I made no reply. But with glassy eyes, I stared out of the passenger-side window, as we made the trek back to Houston in silence, with only the sound of our heavy-bassed laden music blaring through the custom speakers of his Navigator SUV.

To the hundreds of cheering youth – who had just watched me perform

on a stage in front of bright lights & HOPE-filled eyes,

as I enc.o.u.r.a.g.ed them through a setlist of inspirational songs from my debut album –

I was “Tragedy”,

the Inspirational Hip-Hop Artist.

One whose music would speak boldly against t.o.x.i.c relationships from a spiritual POV & the importance of L.E.T.T.I.N.G such relationsh*ts GO.

But sitting in that truck, after the show was over, the lights were off and the crowd was gone…was Toya!

And she was struggling to heed the w.i.s.e advice of her beloved alter-ego.

For there was a young man from her p.a.s.t that kept her h.e.a.r.t cluttered with the longings for empty promises & a hope deferred that was making “it” sick.

And yet & still, the sacred s.p.a.c.e in her heart & m.i.n.d, to him, would be given full reign to roam for years to come.

A walking, talking, rapping contradiction of myself, to my fan base, from the outside, I

“looked ready”:

well-groomed, fashionable, feminine, friendly, and fit.

But hidden beneath my exterior lay the hoardings of unhealthy d.e.s.i.r.e & unrequited LOVE that would create heaps of impediments within my life going f.o.r.w.a.r.d.

Ultimately, it would cost me the most expensive thing I ever gave away, and can never

reclaim…TIME!

When You Can’t Let  Go Of Your Past

“T.i.m.e is of the essence”!  I remember hearing this phrase for the first time while attending Real Estate school in 2001. Embedded as a standard clause in most Texas contracts, it intends to encourage both parties to hurry in making their decision and meeting their contractual obligations within a specified time frame. Not doing so, could mean a breach in the agreement, which could be c.o.s.t.l.y to one or both parties. The most unfortunate breach is when the buyer is unable to perform financially per the contract, forcing a termination. But, I would be remiss if I did not say, that breaches are not always the fault of the buyer – especially, if their “money ain’t funny” and their “credit will get it”, but instead, the fault can lay with the seller. For most sellers, the c.h.o.i.c.e to sell & move is their own. But life does not always give us a choice! Sometimes we are forced to m.o.v.e on, whether we are ready or not.

My heart broke for her.

Recently widowed, the home that she had shared with her late husband for the last

50-plus years,

where their children were raised

and their grandchildren & great-grandchildren would play;

the cracked walls that held tHEiR secrets;

the w.o.r.n out floors that bared the weight of their burdens & the bounty of their blessings;

the o.l.d stairs that carried their Ups & Downs

throughout their journey together;

and

the c.l.u.t.t.e.r.e.d rooms that stored tHiER p.a.s.t

had just been sold.

A new family awaited.

And her home would be their home,

 if only she would sign the deed & Let Go!

With tears falling down her face,

a soiled Kleenex clenched tightly in her frail, delicate hand,

she s.t.r.u.g.g.l.e.d to perform the final act as the seller,

that would force her to relinquish her past.

And with every document she would sign,

as we neared the end of the paperwork that would complete the sale,

with a h.e.a.r.t-breaking voice, she would softly cry out…

“I can’t move on!

My life is in that house!”

But the t.i.m.e to l.e.t go had come & move on, she must!

A closing, with minimal paperwork to sign, that should have taken 15 minutes, for this seller, took a full hour. My capacity in this transaction was not as the realtor but as the closing agent, assisting both parties in completing the sale. And with each piece of paper, that I gently slid to her, there was a long pause, and with teary eyes & almost a loss of breath, she would share a precious memory with her realtor who was also a childhood friend of her children. And her realtor, listening with patience & compassion, with feather-like strokes would caress her arm. And with a comforting tone, tried her best to reassure her client and friend, that all would be well in the brand-new senior living community that awaited her. I remember her realtor’s whispering words…

“It is not the end my friend.

You are just letting go of that old cluttered house

And

moving on to a fresh n.e.w beginning.”

And more than I remember the realtor’s words, I remember that of the seller. Her retort was so lucid and sharp, that after the last word fell from her quivering lips, there was a heavy HUSH over the room that not even the cries of a hungry baby could penetrate. She said…

“I am too w.o.r.n out to

M.O.V.E ON 

to a

new beginning!

I would much rather

STAY

in my

o.l.d

comfortable

P.A.S.T,

regardless of how

c.l.u.t.t.e.r.e.d

it is!

When You Realize You Are A Hoarder

If you have ever been in the home of a hoarder (one who keeps every damn thang), you may have noticed how comfortable they seem to be in a space that is filled with excessive amounts of clutter. In their mind, there is a need for each thing they have accumulated, and any attempt to discard or let go of their possessions can cause them great anxiety. There is an o.r.d.e.r to their chaos that only they understand, and it makes them feel calm, even if the h.a.z.a.r.d they have created in their sacred s.p.a.c.e is no longer s.a.f.e. Interestingly enough, many of us are hoarders. Though we may not struggle with l.e.t.t.i.n.g go of material possessions that are no longer useful, we instead, struggle to let go of relationships that are of no u.s.e to us.

Two decades would pass before the teary-eyed young girl sitting in that truck would be brave enough to admit that she was a hoarder.

Her h.e.a.r.t space, the one thing she owned outright,

was filled with the clutter of a hazardous relationship from her p.a.s.t.

And over time she would add to that, several more.

Stockpiling on

v.e.r.b.a.l, emotional & sometimes physical mental a.b.u.s.e;

though dejected & unfulfilled,

 there was an air of comfort

 unmasked as

f.e.a.r

that kept her sitting in her disorder.

And even though the

fresh new beginnings of a healthy relationship awaited her if she would

just let go of the o.l.d,

 she was so exhausted from

“time gone by”

that much like the elder widowed woman,

she was too worn out to move on.

I imagine what added to the widow’s heartbreak was not only having to LEAVE her beloved home but having to leave b.e.h.i.n.d the hoard of memories, both good and b.a.d, stockpiled within her home.  More often than not, it is the memories – g.o.o.d & bad – that hold us captive to our p.a.s.t. And unhealthy relationsh*ts are no exception.  Similar to a hoarder’s f.e.a.r about LET-ting GO of useless items in hopes they may one day become purposeful in the future, we hold on to futile relationships for fear & HOPE of the same. But if life is ever to be lived with purpose, decluttering the space most vulnerable to the hazardous dramas traumas of our past is an act we must perform.

When You Are Ready To Declutter Your Space

If you google “how to declutter your home”, a myriad of helpful articles, tips, r.u.l.e.s, and checklists will populate your search. Last summer, when I was hired to declutter and remodel a client’s home, much to his chagrin, I used the “Five Second Rule”. I would pick up an object from the mounds of clutter on the floor, and give him 5 seconds to tell me “its p.u.r.p.o.s.e and  when it was last used”, and if he could not (and he often COULD NOT…)

The sh*t went in the trash!

I watched with both agitation and humor as he, when he thought I was not looking, would quietly rifle through the construction-sized trash bags in an attempt to sneakily r.e.c.l.a.i.m some of his hoardings. Some of it being food receipts from two decades ago, that he somehow thinks will be of use in this decade. Others were empty containers & boxes or worn-out, tattered clothing that were not even fit to donate. Yet in his mind, these useless things were his! And even though his home for years had been cluttered with heaps and mounds of useless things, which kept him from fully enjoying his space…he still struggled to let it go. Looking back it was easy to apply the ”five-second rule” in the s.p.a.c.e of someone else’s p.a.s.t., but much harder to do in the heart-space of my own. And if you are like me, you too, may have struggled to apply rules to your heart-s.p.a.c.e. Often allowing useless nouns – person, place, or things – to remain. It would take weeks for me to fully declutter my client’s home before I could complete the remodel that would bring a better quality of LIFE. PURPOSE. & BEAUTY into his space. Those weeks would test my p.a.t.i.e.n.c.e. But we could not bring in the N.E.W until we removed the OLD.

So with my box of trash bags and the patience of Job, I sat with my client for many hours

Sifting through the collections of his p.a.s.t.

Helping him separate the t.r.a.s.h from the treasures.

Listening to the memories that each brought about.

Comforting him through the p.a.i.n.f.u.l recollections.

Laughing with him through the funny ones…

And little by little making progress until the many trash bags were full.

That was the hardest part!

But once we had let go of the past,

and were able to move on,

the result was a beautifully remodeled, clutter-free home

that he is now proud of.

As I reflect on that experience with my client, I realize the same p.r.o.g.r.e.s.s can be made in my home h.e.a.r.t, if I apply similar steps.

Like him and many others, I was beholden to my past.

I lacked the p.a.t.i.e.n.c.e to sit with myself long enough

to separate the “throw-aways” of negative c.h.o.i.c.e.s & experiences from the keepsakes of valuable lessons learned.

Those recollections… some painful…some laughable…and some WTH was I thinking,

were the hardest part

of surrendering

 THOUGHTS. EMOTIONS. & even PEOPLE

that no longer NEVER s.e.r.v.e.d me.

But once I did,

and the trashbags of my many mistakes & disappointments were filled to the brim

and set out by the curb of g.r.a.c.e,

the result is a “heart s.p.a.c.e” that has been decluttered

and is finally ready to move on to a beautiful relationship that awaits it ….

the one with MYSELF! ?

And now may the graceful steps you take to declutter your heart & home yield you the same. ?

And P.S. there are no “5 second rules” when it comes to the matters of the h.e.a.r.t.❤️

Moral of the story: “We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”

~ Rick Warren